Change

Why am I so resistant to the Holy Spirits prompting? I move so easily and do things I know I shouldn't yet those things I know would make me feel better I resist. It's as if I'd rather do the bad thing and suffer than do the good thing and believe in good.  I've been dealt so much bad in my life I just don't know that I believe much in good. Is that possible when I believe in Jesus and He is all good? 
It is possible because it's my life. 
I've learned in my spiritual walk that partial obedience is still disobedience. I've learned in my personal life that being a good girl got me nowhere. It brought me pain, disappointment, heartache, tears, rejection, and abuse. 
So then I rebelled. 
I rebelled against my parents, my religion, against myself. I got so tired of people telling me what to do, what to wear, how to act, what to believe and I just couldn't take anymore. I think that's why I'm stuck today. I love and believe in Jesus with all my heart. I know He loves and adores me and wants nothing but the best for me. Yet all I see Him as right now is another person telling me what to do. 
Specifically, another man telling me what to do. 
So I rebel. I choose to do the opposite of what He's guiding me to do even though I know His way is good. Even though I know His way leads to life and freedom. Freedom I so desperately seek and crave. 
I don't know how I will escape this endless, vicious circle that I'm in but I'm hoping that it will end soon. My one word for 2011 is trust. Specifically, to trust in Him. Trusting in anyone is not an easy thing for me but I know if I'm going to begin somewhere He's my safest bet. 
I'm going to begin today by doing just one good thing I feel led to do. I can only hope it will lead to another after that. I am hoping for myself, for my life, and for my sanity that I don't give in to fear and run away. That's my usual route. Because I really do want the good things in life and damn it, I think I deserve it.

Amy

I didn't plan on writing this post but here I am. Last Friday at school something happened that struck a chord in me. While on lunch duty in the cafeteria I noticed one of my first grade students not eating her lunch. I approached her, asked if everything was okay and she said yes. I then proceeded to tell her to begin to eat so she could leave and go to recess. One of our cafeteria rules, if that's what you can call it, (I hate rules) is for the kids to eat something on their lunch plates before we can dismiss them to recess. 
Well, as I strolled around to her again a few minutes later I noticed she was shoving food into an empty package. Upon a closer look I noticed that it was food inside of a napkin that was then shoved into a wrapper. I asked her what she was doing, no reply. 
My duty time was over so I asked the next teacher to keep an eye on her, I was concerned. About 10 minutes later this teacher comes to tell me that my student continued to chew food, spit it into a napkin, then tried to hide it on her plate. 
My stomach dropped. 
Why is she doing this? She is only 6 years old! Where did she see this behavior? 
This same student told me 2 weeks ago that her mom told her that her stomach is very small, showing me with her fingers about the size of a quarter, and that she didn't need to eat a lot of food. A teacher on lunch duty that day caught her gagging, trying to throw up the food she was told to eat. 
That was my first sign, this is the second one. 
I've had enough.
You see, I am in recovery from an eating disorder. It has been 2 years and 3 months since my last purge. Yet, about 2 days since I last thought about doing it. Seeing one of my own students display this type of behavior causes so much emotion in me, I don't know what to do with it all. I am furious, yet sad at the same time.It angers me so much that society dictates how a person should look and what is acceptable. Already at 6 years old this precious child, who is no where near being overweight mind you, has entered the "diet world". I am angry, heart broken, and compelled to take action. 
I entered this awful world at the age of 8. Here I am, decades later, still struggling. If I can help just this one little girl, somehow, someway, I'm doing it. 
If I can help spare her from the years of pain, comparisons, never good enough, tears, and diets then Jesus show me the way. Help me to show her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made.

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I've heard these words three times in the past week. Not counting the first time, when God whispered it. I don't know entirely how I will do this. Whether it will be public or private. All I know is that it's time. Fear washes over me as I boldly take this step forward, but I lean on my One Word for 2011 - TRUST. I will trust in Him who loves me, Him who created me, and in Him who died for me. I surrender to the unknown and...trust.

One Word 2011

Ever since I first read Alece's post about not having a resolution but instead focusing on just one word I've been thinking, and thinking, and thinking. If there is one thing I am great at, it is thinking about one thing and over analyzing it to pieces. So, after I thought about it to death, I prayed. Almost instantly I received TRUST. I thought, "Hmm...trust, really Lord?" You see, I've been a believer for 13 years and I was convinced if anything I had trust down, I did trust the Lord.

Or so I thought. 

So, needless to say I wasn't satisfied with that answer and I kept trying to receive another word from the Lord. I even chose one myself. Then as I sat down this weekend to write this post, mind you it was going to be the word I chose, it hit me. 

I absolutely need to work on trust, trusting in my God. I didn't even trust Him to give me a word, just one simple word. 

I doubted, I second guessed, I thought my choice was better.

How many times had I done this very thing in my walk with Him? How many times had I heard from Him and turned the other way, thinking my way was better? 

Countless, my journals reflect it. 

So here I am, starting anew.

It's up to me, now that I know, to make the change. 

I will choose to TRUST.