Why am I so resistant to the Holy Spirits prompting? I move so easily and do things I know I shouldn't yet those things I know would make me feel better I resist. It's as if I'd rather do the bad thing and suffer than do the good thing and believe in good. I've been dealt so much bad in my life I just don't know that I believe much in good. Is that possible when I believe in Jesus and He is all good?
It is possible because it's my life.
I've learned in my spiritual walk that partial obedience is still disobedience. I've learned in my personal life that being a good girl got me nowhere. It brought me pain, disappointment, heartache, tears, rejection, and abuse.
So then I rebelled.
I rebelled against my parents, my religion, against myself. I got so tired of people telling me what to do, what to wear, how to act, what to believe and I just couldn't take anymore. I think that's why I'm stuck today. I love and believe in Jesus with all my heart. I know He loves and adores me and wants nothing but the best for me. Yet all I see Him as right now is another person telling me what to do.
Specifically, another man telling me what to do.
So I rebel. I choose to do the opposite of what He's guiding me to do even though I know His way is good. Even though I know His way leads to life and freedom. Freedom I so desperately seek and crave.
I don't know how I will escape this endless, vicious circle that I'm in but I'm hoping that it will end soon. My one word for 2011 is trust. Specifically, to trust in Him. Trusting in anyone is not an easy thing for me but I know if I'm going to begin somewhere He's my safest bet.
I'm going to begin today by doing just one good thing I feel led to do. I can only hope it will lead to another after that. I am hoping for myself, for my life, and for my sanity that I don't give in to fear and run away. That's my usual route. Because I really do want the good things in life and damn it, I think I deserve it.
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